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Humor From The ER

Notes from an emergency room doctor: Working in an E.R. is a daily rehash of sickness, pain, fear, death, sorrow, and grief. For those of us who work there, it would soon become unbearable if not for the humor people bring along with them. Though that humor is often unintentional, I'd like to thank all of the following anonymous patients for bringing a little smile to a lot of bedraggled emergency health care workers and for making work a little more tolerable. The following dialogues are true.

"Do you know your blood type?" an R.N. asked her patient, a 38 year old Hispanic gentleman who spoke limited English. "Rojo," he answered.

The doctor finished examining his patient who had pain in her pelvic region. "You have an abscess," he told her. "Oh?" she answered bewilderedly. "Is that a human thing or a woman thing?"

A patient was asked if she took any medication. "Only a vitamin for my nerves," she replied, holding up a bottle labeled Valium.

A prostitute presented to the emergency room for evaluation of a generalized rash. She couldn't afford to pay because business was slow, obviously hampered somewhat by her awful looking rash. The question at check-in was, "is this covered by Workman's Comp?"

A twenty-five year old male walked into the emergency room holding a flashlight and shining it into his right ear. When asked "why," he replied, "there's a cockroach in my ear and I want it to be able to see its way out."

An intravenous drug abuser, on his way to the emergency room to have an abscess on his left arm drained, was assaulted in the hospital parking lot. Punched in the arm, the abscess ruptured and drained. His diagnosis on discharge was "Therapeutic Assault."

"I've had surgery on my breasts and testicles," the transsexual responded when asked about "her" medical history. But when the doctor ordered some blood tests she complained, "Why do I always feel like a guinea pig?"

"He was sick and almost died when he was a baby," the child's mother said. "What was the problem?" the doctor asked. "He had 'Sweet Mother Jesus,'" the mother answered and was somewhat perturbed when the doctor didn't know quite what to make of this "common ailment" that almost killed her child. "You know," she said again, 'Swee' Motha' Jesus,' 'Swee' Motha' Jesus.'" The doctor mulled over those words again and again until the insight finally came to him. "Oh," he smiled, "he had spinal meningitis." "That's it," Mom said, ecstatic that she'd finally found a doctor who wasn't totally ignorant about medicine.

That's all folks!!