Home | Biography | Forty-Eight X | Future Books | Stories | Credits | Contact

This Story Is X-Rated

I like to think I'm as worldly as the next guy. Ive read "Playboy" and even looked at the pictures. I've tuned in with amazed curiosity to those t.v. tabloids. But deep down, I think I'm a Victorian prude kind of fellow. I think I'd be much more comfortable if sex was a secret of married bedrooms rather than front page news. Unfortunately, that is not the world I live in, nor the world I work in.

A man with chest pain, in the throes of a heart attack, tells me loudly, "it started when I was making love." And he uses more colloquial slang then "making love." He could have related that part of his medical history in a whisper, rather than as an announcement to everyone in the E.R., including the ten year old in the next bed.

People nowadays are just too too proud of their sexual shenanigans, even if they're sick or dying because of it.

Recently a young man came in, accompanied by his "partner," with multiple cuts on his feet. He'd put them through a window during some vigorous sex play at home. Now accidents do happen but this couple was very boisterous about their prowess. They were hugging and kissing while I prepared to sew him up. We kept the curtain open at his bedside in fear they were contemplating consummating their romantic athletics on the E.R. gurney.

I've also seen lots of injuries to genitalia incurred during the "act." Minor vaginal tears are common but heal well if the patient will only allow themselves a little respite. Once I had a man come in holding his groin in great pain. "I fell off," he told me. And he wasn't talking about falling off any ladder. He had bent his penis backwards and torn the "corpus cavernosa."

Stuck foreign bodies are also common ED problems - among men and women, straight and gay. Now, we all know about the standard battery powered devices and replica genitalia. But my god, fruit and sports equipment?

As doctors, were used to seeing those most intimate of areas during physical exams. But how complicated is it to put on a hospital gown? How many times have you walked into an exam room with someone sitting there with their hospital gown on backwards - that is, open to the front - with all their attributes hanging out and not a care in the world. I know patients expect that doctors have "seen it all," but still, where did public modesty go?

These are just a few examples of "sex in the E.R." Perhaps Oprah will read this column and I can get my fifteen minutes of fame as one of a panel of doctors talking about it all. And you know you'll be watching, awaiting those titillating stories.